handling things in embarrassing ways

I don’t know how to start this. I’ve kind of had a lot on my mind lately. I’m working three jobs, I have a three-year-old with a busy agenda of her own, and I’m working on cooking this baby, which leaves me feeling tired and emotional and hungry all the time. I’m not saying so to toot my own horn. This is not a “Look at me and everything I’m handling!” moment. This is one of those moments where everything kind of comes together. When things in my life that never made sense are clear(er) now.

I work in the library at the church. The woman I work with is a more amazing, more resilient, (only slightly) older version of myself. We are at the very core kindred spirits. We were talking about this and that, she was asking me about my jobs, how things were going, and asked me a question that nobody has asked me yet. “Okay. I want to know something. Why do you really do it? I know you are paying your debts off and that you like to keep yourself busy. But you don’t have to, you know. You’re young enough that there’s not really any pressing need for you to be doing it right now. What’s going on with you?”

And as so often happens, it just came out of me. I do it because I would rather be stressed about work than stressed about this baby who in the deepest recesses of my heart, I feel I will never meet or whose time in this life is going to be cut short or be nonexistent. I stress about having a child with severe disabilities that limit my ability to parent or limit her ability to live a good life. I would rather stress about spreadsheets and editing personal statements, CV’s, and resumes, and getting in my required number of articles each week than the fact that I’m still fairly confident that my body is going to fail me again.

If you were around during my second miscarriage, you know how awful I was. I honestly felt that the things I was thinking about, the evil thoughts that kept me up most of the night were going to get me sent straight to hell. I was afraid of dying because I knew I wouldn’t like where I went afterwards. It was pretty terrifying and I went back and forth and back and forth about talking to my Relief Society president about having someone come and help me a couple hours a day so I could just calm down by myself and maybe get some legitimate work done. In the end, I did send her a message on Facebook and immediately wished I hadn’t because my email was never acknowledged. Just the check mark. Your message was read. (And as a side note: Nobody cares.) I felt at the time like it was because God hated me and hated my babies and wanted me to figure it out on my own. I know. 

I was embarrassed by how poorly I dealt with it. I was humiliated by having to break down and ask for help and more embarrassed when my desperate plea for help wasn’t heard. I acted like a psychotic person and I am embarrassed by who I was. I am embarrassed to admit that I had lost hope. I sold, got rid of, or hid in my parents’ basement every baby item I had been holding onto. I knew that after the things I had said to people, the thoughts and feelings that had stirred around in my brain and in my heart, God had burned that bridge that connected me to Him. I knew I wouldn’t have a baby. I’ve gotten a lot of flak for that. Selling everything. So I feel that should be explained. I guess I just didn’t think I had enough storage space to hold onto a crib and a bunch of baby stuff for a baby I knew would never come.

So I’m counting the weeks and as the moments creep me closer to January 21, I feel more anxiety than anything. I feel embarrassed still that when I get a chance to, I still feel grief over my losses. I feel embarrassed that I couldn’t let that second one go for eight weeks before giving in and doing the D&C. I feel grief when Ophelia asks if she has a brother and I say no and then feel bad because maybe she did. I feel and see the baby’s movements regularly now. I remember now that the sensation I once described as similar to a goldfish swimming around, occasionally swimming into the sides of the glass bowl, is kind of awesome but also really creeps me out. And I get back to work. Because if I’m busy doing something else, like being a mom to my child who is actually here with me—who I can keep an eye on and actually help keep alive a little better, who I know for a fact from moment to moment is still alive—and like working, and feeling stressed about work, then I’m not stressing about the fact that I’m still not entirely sure my body isn’t going to fail me at some point.

So that’s my explanation. And that’s why my baby has nowhere to sleep, and might not until the day she is brought kicking and screaming (hopefully) into the world. And that’s about all I have to say about that.

23 weeks

  • Weight Gain or Loss – I don’t really know. I think 10 total. I gained 25 with Ophelia and a whole bunch of that was water weight from swelling so much. (Joy of an August babe.)
  • Size of Baby – the size of a big mango. I have issues with these measurements…
  • Sleep – In bed around 10 pm and awake at 4 am, although after a couple weeks of adjusting to getting up at a different time, my internal clock overcompensates and starts waking me up before my alarm. So I wake up at 3:30 most days.
  • Exercise – I try to get out and walk every day and take Ophelia outside to see what outside looks like.
  • Maternity Clothes – My work knows now, so I’m going all out.
  • Best Moment this Week – This week I have felt her moving on the outside. My favorite was when I had Steve felt it earlier today.
  • Movement – She doesn’t move around quite as much as Ophelia did, but she’s moving lots more.
  • Symptoms – I am always hungry and ALWAYS thirsty. I wake up parched several times a night.
  • Food Cravings – No but every once in a while I’ll have something that hits the spot real good. Today it was a glass of orange juice.
  • Food Aversions – I’m not sure if I can eat seafood yet. I haven’t been feeling it yet. I’m wondering if it’s going to be one of those things that I hate during pregnancy and then hate forever. :(
  • Gender – Girl!
  • Names – Daphne
  • Labor Signs – No thanks.
  • I Miss… brushing my teeth without barfing
  • I Look Forward to… being able to afford some baby stuff. When she’s five months old.

22 weeks

  • Weight Gain or Loss – I’m getting fatter! Stop it!
  • Size of Baby – 11 inches, the length of a spaghetti squash, apparently, but big enough to make me feel like she’s trying eat me from the inside out…
  • Sleep – I am sleeping better, with my new job, we are going to bed around 10 pm and I am waking up at 4. I’ll usually take a nap for a couple hours in the day somewhere.
  • Exercise – I try to get out and walk every day and take Ophelia outside to see what outside looks like.
  • Maternity Clothes – I haven’t said anything to my boss at the new job because I’m afraid. I’m also still nervous about telling people who I don’t know well that I’m pregnant. With my second, I was super excited about it and told everyone in the world and then miscarried and I still have some nagging anxiety hanging on. Like this is all too good to be true.
  • Best Moment this Week – Hard to say. It’s been a tough week to be prego.
  • Movement – I feel the little blips sometimes. Not very often, and not nearly as often as I did with Ophelia. Ophelia was always moving around like crazy. This one is hardly moves at all and I’m carrying her really low. It’s harder to feel when she’s not up in my ribcage like Ophelia was.
  • Symptoms – I am always hungry and ALWAYS thirsty. I wake up parched several times a night now. I started keeping a water bottle next to my bed so I can avoid 900 trips to the kitchen for a glass of water.
  • Food Cravings – Not really, I think they’ve mostly gone away.
  • Food Aversions – Seafood still. I made clam chowder and that’s actually okay and really good still, but more for its soup properties. I would eat a homeless guy’s boot if it was chopped up and put in a soup.
  • Gender – Girl!
  • Names – Daphne
  • Labor Signs – No thanks.
  • I Miss… brushing my teeth without barfing
  • I Look Forward to… being able to afford some baby stuff. When she’s five months old.

21 weeks

They weren’t able to calculate my actual due date since I went from miscarriage straight to pregnancy, so my weeks are never really consistent. At my 20 week appointment last week, she was measuring closer to 21 weeks, so let’s just say I’m somewhere in the 21-22 range and call it good. :)

  • Weight Gain or Loss – Yeah, I’m not really keeping track. I’ve gotten skinnier this week though. I feel like I never have a belly unless I’ve just eaten something, and a lot of my clothes that I couldn’t fit into at 18 weeks are fitting again. Pregnancy is weird.
  • Size of Baby – Last week she was a banana and this week she’s a carrot. I thought carrots were smaller than bananas but whatever. She’s like 10.5 inches long, apparently.
  • Sleep – I am sleeping better, with my new job, we are going to bed around 10 pm and I am waking up at 4. I’ll usually take a nap for a couple hours in the day somewhere.
  • Exercise – I try to get out and walk every day and take Ophelia outside to see the sun. :) It’s hard because I have had tendonitis in my foot for the last month or so and now I’m feeling it on the back of my legs too. So if you see me, know that it’s not a waddle; it’s a limp. Yeah, I’m 90.
  • Maternity Clothes – I haven’t said anything to my boss at the new job because I’m afraid. I’m also still nervous about telling people who I don’t know well that I’m pregnant. With my second, I was super excited about it and told everyone in the world and then miscarried and I still have some nagging anxiety hanging on. Like this is all too good to be true.
  • Best Moment this Week – I actually felt a kick. I was just watching a movie (actually I’m dragging Steve through Chuck right now), and all of a sudden, a little *blip*. The past 2-3 weeks, movement has been more like just a shifting weight in there. I forgot about the sparkler feeling.
  • Movement – I feel the little blips sometimes. Not very often, and not nearly as often as I did with Ophelia. Ophelia was always like right underneath my skin though, and this one is hidden behind… some other gross birth stuff… so I’m not likely to feel it as strongly until the other stuff moves out of the way. If it does. Does it do that?
  • Symptoms – I am always hungry and ALWAYS thirsty. I wake up parched several times a night now. I started keeping a water bottle next to my bed so I can avoid 900 trips to the kitchen for a glass of water. Other than that, the only one I can think of is nightmares. I had super violent, super disturbing nightmares when I was pregnant with Ophelia too, and guess what? They’re back! YAY!
  • Food Cravings – Not really, I think they’ve mostly gone away.
  • Food Aversions – Seafood still. I made clam chowder and that’s actually okay and really good still, but more for its soup properties. I would eat a homeless guy’s boot if it was chopped up and put in a soup.
  • Gender – Girl!
  • Names – We’ve just started calling her Daphne. And the way Ophelia says “Daff-a-ney!” is the cutest.
  • Labor Signs – No thanks.
  • I Miss… really, really good and yummy fish.
  • I Look Forward to… being able to afford some baby stuff. When she’s five months old. :)

20 weeks

HALF. WAY. THERE. I am so excited! Dying, actually.

  • Weight Gain or Loss – I gained four pounds THIS WEEK. Nurse said it was normal, but I’ve gained about 5 pounds this pregnancy, and FOUR OF THEM WERE IN THE LAST WEEK. Soy monstro!
  • Size of Baby – We are at the size of a banana now. 
  • Pregnancy Milestones – 20 weeks. I’m halfway. If it was still cool, I would say WAZZZZZZZZZZAAAP! right now. I’ll spare you. 
  • Sleep – Okay, I seriously take so many naps. SO MANY. 
  • Exercise – I’m actually doing better. I try to walk every day.
  • Maternity Clothes – Yes, except the new place I’m working at… um, no one has said anything or asked me about being pregnant… so I wonder if they’re just thinking I’m huge and disgusting, or are just trying to be polite. I’m worried about saying anything though because I don’t want them to fire me. 
  • Best Moment this Week – Finding out we’re having a girl. I’m giddy!
  • Movement – I feel her kicking around sometimes. Not as often as with Ophelia, for sure. Maybe she will be a bit more mellow.
  • Symptoms – Persistent hunger, always thirsty, always tired, dry heaving when I brush my teeth. It’s bearable.
  • Food Cravings – Not really. Every once in a while–like today for lunch–nothing sounds good except one specific thing. Today it was Mexican food. Beans and rice.
  • Food Aversions – I can’t eat seafood still. I expect this to stick around to the end like it did with Ophelia.
  • Gender – GIRL! GIRL! GIRL! GIRL! GIRL! GIRL! GIRL! 
  • Names – Daphne. I liked Emeline but Steve told me why he wasn’t sold on it, and now I don’t like it either. :(
  • Labor Signs – No thanks.
  • I Miss… really, really good and yummy fish. 
  • I Look Forward to… being able to afford some baby stuff. 
  • Weekly Wisdom – I guess it’s normal to gain a billion pounds in a week around week 20. Good to know. 

19 weeks, really?

Almost halfway. I have been avoiding blogging this week because my symptoms are pretty gone and of course it’s stressing me out.

Weight Gain or Loss – a couple pounds total

Size of Baby – an heirloom tomato… seems oddly specific.

Pregnancy Milestones – 19 weeks. If the baby’s still kickin’ it in there, I could find out the gender (but won’t for a week)

Sleep – I sleep whenever possible. Pregnancy + graves = I have problems.

Exercise – I’m actually doing better. I try to walk every day.

Maternity Clothes – You betcha.

Best Moment this Week – A few days ago, I started feeling movement. (I’m not now.)

Movement – A few days ago but nothing anymore.

Symptoms – Persistent hunger, always thirsty, always tired, dry heaving when I brush my teeth. It’s bearable.

Food Cravings – I can eat pretty much anything except seafood, so no cravings.

Food Aversions – Seafood. It makes me so sad. 

Gender – I’ve been getting boy feels.

Names – Daphne or Emeline. (I’m trying to convince Steve of Emeline.) We’ll see. No boy names really.

Labor Signs – I think I had BH contractions the other day. It hurt pretty bad. 

I Miss… really, really good and yummy fish. 

I Look Forward to… gender appointment/baby still alive appointment next week

Weekly Wisdom – Miscarriage is really, really, VERY, WAAAAAAAY unlikely right now, according to my OB. But I still stress, especially because EVERYONE I KNOW has a story about someone who miscarried/had a stillborn in the 2nd or 3rd trimester. Thanks for sharing, y’all! :)

potty training conversations

Sometimes I have conversations with my three-year-old and I forget that A) She’s really only three years old (still relatively new to the whole “being a person” thing); and B) that the conversation is about pooping in her diaper (not getting to wear a Catarina Kittycat dress) versus pooping in the potty (getting to wear a Catarina Kittycat dress). 

Me: Why are you sad?
O: I’m happy and sad.
Me: Okay why are you happy?
O: Because you’re not mad at me anymore.
Me: Why are you sad?
O: Because you yelled at me. 
Me: I know, I’m sorry. I got frustrated because I forget  sometimes you’re not ready to do things I want you to do.
O: I know because sometimes you forget that I’m just your baby.

It’s easy to forget. Especially when your three-year-old has the attitude of a 17-year-old. But when she said that, it really struck me that she is just my baby and she always will be. We’ve had the “big girl vs. baby” conversation with her a million times and I think I’m just done trying to use that rhetoric with her. Maybe I’m not ready for her to graduate from babyhood. So do the potty training thing on your own terms, like you do with everything else, Loafs. We’ve got time.