28 weeks, post freakout


Pregnancy Highlights: Everything is good. And I’m pregnant. That’s a highlight. I still feel very grateful every day to still be pregnant. There isn’t much that I don’t appreciate about it this time around, even the heartburn that makes me wake up throwing up in the middle of the night. I think that is probably the one good thing that came from having miscarriages. I can’t imagine feeling anything other than incredibly grateful for pregnancy every second.

How far along: 28 weeks.

Size of baby: “By this week, your baby weighs two and a quarter pounds (like a Chinese cabbage) and measures 14.8 inches from the top of her head to her heels.” She’s probably a bit bigger than that (think like… a Korean cabbage), she is measuring a few days bigger than 28 weeks. And her head is big too, like Ophelia’s. And mine. :(

Total weight gain: I don’t feel like I should have to disclose that information. I’m eating better than I was with my first pregnancy, not swelling nearly as much, and have gained at 28 weeks the same amount of weight I gained during my entire pregnancy with Ophelia.

Gender: Girl

Name: Daphne Lane (probably Deedee)

Movement: No, she’s just not a big mover. I can count on one hand the times I have felt bigger kicks, but it’s not something that I can count on by any means. We had an ultrasound today to make sure everything was okay, so I know I’ve just got a lazy baby and that it’s kind of normal to just feel flutters and hiccups.

Maternity clothes: Someone take me shopping please.

Sleep: I’m sleeping okay. I wake up in the middle of the night throwing up because of the heartburn, but it’s part of the deal.

What I miss: Not anything really. I’m just appreciating being pregnant.

Cravings: No, although I still really love chicken sandwiches an extraordinary amount.

Aversions: I am still grossed out by fish. One of the sales guys at work comes in with something and turns on his blender at 6 am and it smells EXACTLY like tuna. Oh, it’s so awful. Enough with the tuna smoothies, man.

Best moment of the week: Probably seeing her on the ultrasound today. She’s breech and is pretty squished. I asked the ultrasound tech what she was holding next to her face and he said “oh, that’s her thigh.” She’s just hanging out in there with her legs wrapped around her head. Sounds comfy.

Looking forward to: Ugh, I cannot wait to see what her personality is like! AND EXERCISE. Believe it or not, I miss exercise so bad. I’m tired of doing my walking and lame stuff. I want to actually sweat and not just because I walked a flight of stairs.


27 weeks

Pregnancy Highlights: I just feel super pregnant. I feel happy when my joints pop when I stand up. It’s a good time.

How far along: 27 weeks.

Size of baby: “This week, your baby weighs almost 2 pounds (about the size of a head of cauliflower) and is about 14 1/2 inches long with her legs extended.”

Total weight gain: I don’t know.

Gender: Girl

Name: Daphne Lane (I have already told Steve I am probably going to call her Deedee though.)

Movement: Not a lot at all. I think I have an introvert baby. Ophelia never stopped moving when I was pregnant with her and she hasn’t stopped moving since. I’ve hardly felt this babe move around at all and I’m always concerned about it, but this morning I felt a hunger pain and then she kicked so hard it almost wiped the wind out of me. YAY! I ate some yogurt and she hasn’t moved since. I guess introvert baby was just letting me know she needed food and was done talking. I totally get it.

Maternity clothes: Yep, I’m all in now. But I don’t fit a lot of my clothes I wore when I was pregnant with Ophelia. I didn’t think I was that much bigger. Gah. I might have to shop at some point.

Sleep: I’m sleeping pretty well, considering. I go to bed around 10 and wake up at 4:15 (work). I could do without some of these pregnancy dreams though. They’re super annoying me.

What I miss: Not really sure. I really am just enjoying this pregnancy thing. I appreciate it.

Cravings: Nope.

Aversions: Fish still sounds like garbage to me. Hope it doesn’t stick post-pregnancy. I don’t/can’t eat anything with sugar or else I get heartburn way bad and throw up spontaneously in the night. You’re welcome for that.

Best moment of the week: The thing this morning was pretty great. She was slamming pretty hard into my ribcage and I looked down and she was all, “HELLO!? MOM! CAN WE GET SOME YOGURT UP IN HERE ALREADY!?” Yes, your highness. Also, another best moment was getting our nursery rocker set up. It’s a double rocker so if we had to, we could all sit on it. That chair is my happy place. I sit in there about 500 times a day and Ophelia comes in and rocks her daddy penguin in the swing. Oh boy.

Looking forward to: I’m mostly excited to have two little girls and see their differences in personality. Ophelia was exactly the same after she was born as she was when I was pregnant with her and if that’s any indication of this baby’s personality, she’s just going to be mellow and quiet. And hopefully she’ll like me.

This baby can’t get here quick enough. Ophelia suddenly went from toddler to funny little kid overnight yesterday and I just can’t handle her sentences and her potty trainedness (YAY for that, actually), and how grown up she is. She is so funny and big all of a sudden, even though I keep telling her that she’s always going to be my little tiny baby. I need an actual small tiny human baby again.

26 weeks

Pregnancy Highlights: I just feel super pregnant. I feel happy when my joints pop when I stand up. It’s a good time.

How far along: 26 weeks. Freaking out has set in. Doctor says not to worry until 28 weeks but I don’t feel her moving very often. I hate it a lot.

Size of baby: She “now weighs about 1 2/3 pounds and measures 14 inches (about the size of a scallion) from head to heel.” That’s a big ol’ scallion.

Total weight gain: I don’t know.

Gender: Girl

Name: Daphne Lane

Movement: Like I said, not a lot of movement. I guess we’ll see at my next appointment. (2 weeks–gah!–I could die before then.)

Maternity clothes: Yep, I’m all in now.

Sleep: I’m sleeping pretty well, considering. I go to bed around 10 and wake up at 4:15 (work).

What I miss: Not really sure. I really am just enjoying this pregnancy thing. I appreciate it.

Cravings: Nope.

Aversions: Fish still sounds like garbage to me. Hope it doesn’t stick post-pregnancy.

Best moment of the week: Not really any super great moments. Pregnancy is boring.

Looking forward to: Brushing my teeth without barfing.

fresh out of reasons

I have no reason for this blog post. I have no reason not to be stressed right now. I’m not. No explanation.

I just gave notice at my job. My big job. The job that accounted for over half of our household income.

I don’t feel stressed. I should maybe. But I guess mostly I just feel like we will be okay.

I chose happiness and time with my family over a (dang good) paycheck. I weighed my options. I could be a grump and keep living (dang good) paycheck to (dang good) paycheck, or I could be there in the middle of the day to push my little girl on the swing, telling myself that I would work later (and doing it).

When I started working from home, I knew there would be sacrifices. I couldn’t have asked for a better group of people to work with and I want them all to know that I appreciate so much their willingness to take me on, the project of all projects. They took a chance. I’m not just saying that. And I appreciate them being willing to work on me.

But I decided to let my spirit have a little bit more of my day each day. We’re getting reacquainted. I chose reverence over a life filled with being busy. I chose a little girl and a good man over feeling stressed that I wasn’t doing enough or being enough for my boss. I chose instead to be enough for my family and enough for me.

There’s a song. It’s pretty Mormony but I can’t help but listen to it 900 times a day. I thought about it and cried about it on the drive to work early this morning. I drove slow so I could listen to it some more. I couldn’t tell if I was crying because I realized how lost I’d gotten or for some other reason. For a while now, I haven’t wanted to be the person I’ve become, and I’m not even done yet.

When All is Said and Done.

Something had to give.

So I gave up my job for more time and better moods. I’m giving up social media for a journal and pen (and perhaps a blog). I’m giving up a reliable paycheck to allow Christ to take up some more of my time. Ultimately that’s what this is about. The things that have been important to me I’m beginning to see as unimportant.

As the song says, our lives become legacies of the things that matter most to us. When it’s all done, I want to be remembered as the mom who took her kid to the zoo, who sat down and taught her things. I couldn’t care less if I’m the mom who took a conference call while at the park. I want to be the mom who doesn’t yell. I want to be the wife who has fun. I wasn’t always a grump, but Steve called me that the other day. My good natured husband who is quick to see past so many things said I was a grump. And then I knew it. I can’t afford grumpiness. I can afford groceries. I can hopefully still afford my mortgage payment. I can’t afford to be a mean mom and a chronically grumpy wife. There’s no time for that mess.

I’m bowing out. I have no good reason for it, so if you ask if I’m freaking out a little, my answer will be no.

But I’m not sure why. I just know it feels better.

But it might feel even better if you tell me I’m doing the right thing so I can stock up on good vibes for when the freakout inevitably comes in.

24 weeks 1 day

Pregnancy Highlights: I’m 24 weeks, and the gal is looking good. For some reason, 24 weeks is a good time because it’s SIX MONTHS. Three months? Not really pregnant. Four months? Meh. Five months? You’re embarrassing yourself. Six months? Whoa! That is an impressive pregnancy!

How far along: 24 weeks (and a day, as my OB was happy to point out – think he’s sick of seeing me every second?)

Size of baby: I don’t know, they don’t really tell me measurements. The internet (not science) says she is a foot long and weighs a pound. Sure.

Total weight gain: 13 pounds

Gender: Girl

Name: Daphne Lane

Movement: She moves a lot and gets the hiccups a lot, which is my favorite thing ever. Ophelia always had the hiccups. But I haven’t noticed any certain schedule.

Maternity clothes: Yep, I’m all in now.

Sleep: I’m sleeping pretty well, considering. I go to bed around 10 and wake up at 4:15 (work).

What I miss: Sitting without my leg getting numb. And eating fish.

Cravings: Nothing really. I like really cold drinks of anything when I can get it. And today I had to have a chicken sandwich or else I would die.

Aversions: Not really, I did eat shrimp the other day and didn’t die, but fish sounds like garbage to me.

Best moment of the week: Getting a profile photo of her today. We haven’t had one good photo until today.

Looking forward to: Brushing my teeth without barfing.

handling things in embarrassing ways

I don’t know how to start this. I’ve kind of had a lot on my mind lately. I’m working three jobs, I have a three-year-old with a busy agenda of her own, and I’m working on cooking this baby, which leaves me feeling tired and emotional and hungry all the time. I’m not saying so to toot my own horn. This is not a “Look at me and everything I’m handling!” moment. This is one of those moments where everything kind of comes together. When things in my life that never made sense are clear(er) now.

I work in the library at the church. The woman I work with is a more amazing, more resilient, (only slightly) older version of myself. We are at the very core kindred spirits. We were talking about this and that, she was asking me about my jobs, how things were going, and asked me a question that nobody has asked me yet. “Okay. I want to know something. Why do you really do it? I know you are paying your debts off and that you like to keep yourself busy. But you don’t have to, you know. You’re young enough that there’s not really any pressing need for you to be doing it right now. What’s going on with you?”

And as so often happens, it just came out of me. I do it because I would rather be stressed about work than stressed about this baby who in the deepest recesses of my heart, I feel I will never meet or whose time in this life is going to be cut short or be nonexistent. I stress about having a child with severe disabilities that limit my ability to parent or limit her ability to live a good life. I would rather stress about spreadsheets and editing personal statements, CV’s, and resumes, and getting in my required number of articles each week than the fact that I’m still fairly confident that my body is going to fail me again.

If you were around during my second miscarriage, you know how awful I was. I honestly felt that the things I was thinking about, the evil thoughts that kept me up most of the night were going to get me sent straight to hell. I was afraid of dying because I knew I wouldn’t like where I went afterwards. It was pretty terrifying and I went back and forth and back and forth about talking to my Relief Society president about having someone come and help me a couple hours a day so I could just calm down by myself and maybe get some legitimate work done. In the end, I did send her a message on Facebook and immediately wished I hadn’t because my email was never acknowledged. Just the check mark. Your message was read. (And as a side note: Nobody cares.) I felt at the time like it was because God hated me and hated my babies and wanted me to figure it out on my own. I know. 

I was embarrassed by how poorly I dealt with it. I was humiliated by having to break down and ask for help and more embarrassed when my desperate plea for help wasn’t heard. I acted like a psychotic person and I am embarrassed by who I was. I am embarrassed to admit that I had lost hope. I sold, got rid of, or hid in my parents’ basement every baby item I had been holding onto. I knew that after the things I had said to people, the thoughts and feelings that had stirred around in my brain and in my heart, God had burned that bridge that connected me to Him. I knew I wouldn’t have a baby. I’ve gotten a lot of flak for that. Selling everything. So I feel that should be explained. I guess I just didn’t think I had enough storage space to hold onto a crib and a bunch of baby stuff for a baby I knew would never come.

So I’m counting the weeks and as the moments creep me closer to January 21, I feel more anxiety than anything. I feel embarrassed still that when I get a chance to, I still feel grief over my losses. I feel embarrassed that I couldn’t let that second one go for eight weeks before giving in and doing the D&C. I feel grief when Ophelia asks if she has a brother and I say no and then feel bad because maybe she did. I feel and see the baby’s movements regularly now. I remember now that the sensation I once described as similar to a goldfish swimming around, occasionally swimming into the sides of the glass bowl, is kind of awesome but also really creeps me out. And I get back to work. Because if I’m busy doing something else, like being a mom to my child who is actually here with me—who I can keep an eye on and actually help keep alive a little better, who I know for a fact from moment to moment is still alive—and like working, and feeling stressed about work, then I’m not stressing about the fact that I’m still not entirely sure my body isn’t going to fail me at some point.

So that’s my explanation. And that’s why my baby has nowhere to sleep, and might not until the day she is brought kicking and screaming (hopefully) into the world. And that’s about all I have to say about that.

23 weeks

  • Weight Gain or Loss – I don’t really know. I think 10 total. I gained 25 with Ophelia and a whole bunch of that was water weight from swelling so much. (Joy of an August babe.)
  • Size of Baby – the size of a big mango. I have issues with these measurements…
  • Sleep – In bed around 10 pm and awake at 4 am, although after a couple weeks of adjusting to getting up at a different time, my internal clock overcompensates and starts waking me up before my alarm. So I wake up at 3:30 most days.
  • Exercise – I try to get out and walk every day and take Ophelia outside to see what outside looks like.
  • Maternity Clothes – My work knows now, so I’m going all out.
  • Best Moment this Week – This week I have felt her moving on the outside. My favorite was when I had Steve felt it earlier today.
  • Movement – She doesn’t move around quite as much as Ophelia did, but she’s moving lots more.
  • Symptoms – I am always hungry and ALWAYS thirsty. I wake up parched several times a night.
  • Food Cravings – No but every once in a while I’ll have something that hits the spot real good. Today it was a glass of orange juice.
  • Food Aversions – I’m not sure if I can eat seafood yet. I haven’t been feeling it yet. I’m wondering if it’s going to be one of those things that I hate during pregnancy and then hate forever. :(
  • Gender – Girl!
  • Names – Daphne
  • Labor Signs – No thanks.
  • I Miss… brushing my teeth without barfing
  • I Look Forward to… being able to afford some baby stuff. When she’s five months old.