I’m OK

I want everyone to know I’m OK. My routine: I get upset, I write, I shut down. I’m OK. Not always in that order. I’m in the OK phase.

If I had to measure, I would say that #2 was hardest, followed by #1, and then this one is easiest. You know, if I had to put miscarriages in order of preference. But let me tell you why that is. During my last two, I felt pretty alone. This time around, we’re not in limbo. During the second one, we lived in a bubble of happily pregnant people, people with kids, and people who thought I should have more than one measly kid to show for my whopping three years of marriage. 

But mostly, we were in limbo. We didn’t know where we were going to be at the end of the summer or what we wanted to do for the rest of our lives. Everything was uncertain and I was depressed. Then my pregnancy failed. No one came by. My family was there, as always. I’m always grateful for them. But instead of support from the people at church, whose mission it is to mourn with those that mourn, I got hostility and the cold shoulder for not handling the death of my baby the right way. I didn’t grieve correctly. My bad. 

I’ve handled this one in quite the same way. But the differences in the people who live around us make me so grateful. Perhaps more grateful than I have ever felt before for anything. And I feel so much gratitude for the fact that we live where we do. I’m grateful to live in a neighborhood where word travels fast. Where I can get hugs in the hallway at church and people come by to bring beautiful yellow daffodils, where a neighbor across the street with whom I had a conversation just one time will worry about whether I saw the rose she had left on my doorstep the day before. I did.

And when you say you’re praying, I believe it. I feel it. Believe what you will about God and Jesus Christ, but I choose to believe that they planted us here at this time for this reason. Because we need support without begging for it. We get it. Mourn with those that mourn. Comfort those who stand in need of comfort. You’re doing it right. We’re getting it. We are grateful. And we’re OK.

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3 thoughts on “I’m OK

  1. This was a beautiful post and as a mother I appreciate the wonderful people in your ward. They have been fantastic

  2. How did I not know you were following me on insta? Thanks for the comment. Now accept me so I can follow you! I’m so sorry you are experiencing this awful heartache of miscarriages and that great loss. I really do not how you feel but I imagine it is awful and lonely and so so sad and confusing and so many other emotions. I try to be aware that each and every child born is a miracle in and of itself. It’s something many take for granted. I was sure something would go wrong with Molly’s birth because I felt greedy that I already had two beautiful girls and having another healthy baby would just seem like too many blessings for one family. It’s sometimes hard to relate as everyone has different trials. I appreciate your realness. I am sorry that your people did not offer comfort as they should have. Is it because they don’t know what to say? What do you say? I’m rambling now. Just know I care.

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