My big fat gypsy bachelorette episode!

Okay, first things first.

If Dolly Parton asks you what you’re looking for in a guy, don’t say “that feeling of when you know, you just know. You know?” Don’t beat around the bush. Just say it: “I don’t know really, I just kind of thought it would be fun to be on TV and have 25 guys fight over who gets to see me nakey first!” The theme of this Bachelorette recap that I swear I wasn’t going to do will hereby be, “I want a man who…”

1. Um, your mom brings you breakfast in bed? Because your life is so stressful living in a gigantic mansion while 25 guys fight over who gets to make out with you? “I want a man who brings me breakfast in bed, just because I feel like it.”
2. I cannot get over the fact that Chris looks like a demon. And also it kind of bugs me that his legs are so short and his torso is super long.
3. I absolutely love the whole Bachelor thing how they try to make the Bachelorette look like she had any say in these dates. “I wanted to take Chris…” and “I thought this would be a fun idea…” “I want a man who’s going to give me credit for things I had nothing to do with.”
4. When they stop producing “The Bachelor,” I’m going to be really sad about the lack of wall scaling/bridge climbing/skydiving/cliff diving analogies.
5. There is always a “scared of heights” date on “The Bachelor/ette,” and I think scared Emily is the least sexy of all of them.
6. “Thanks for not ditching me!” Yes, because regardless of how unbearable your whine was the entire time we’re scaling this restaurant, I managed to avoid unstrapping my harness and falling to my death. “I want a man who’s not going to cut his harness and commit suicide when without warning, we find ourselves scaling a wall.”
7. Yeah, regardless of the fact that I had my baby when I was 19, a 25 year old guy being a stepdad to my six year old girl is UNacceptable! 25 years old is definitely not old enough to take care of a child. “I want a man who is definitely old enough to have a six year old. In other words, someone responsible enough to not have impregnated a teenager.” Too harsh?
8. I love Ryan so much. I hate Emily trying to flirt.
9. Why does Jef look like one of the Outsiders? “I want a man with sweet Ponyboy skillz.”
10. Um, “Wolf,” she left you all playing sports? How is that not what you’ve been wanting to do this whole time?
11. I totally agree with the whole “find someone who gets along with your friends,” but I think it should be a little more organic than asking your friends to take your potential dudes one on one and interview them about a time where they overcame a weakness or solved a difficult problem. “I want a man who’s going to be totally cool with being interrogated by a panel of my friends.”
12. “Your opinions matters to me.” I hate your grammar.
13. Haha! I paused it to get the phone just as Emily was saying, “They are a tough crowd,” (talking about her friends) and this is what I paused on. No kidding. It would appear that interviewing a dozen guys for you makes friends constipatey.
14. I don’t believe the “tough crowd” bit for very long, judging by the way Indian friend is making googy eyes at all of the dudes.
15. Wait, we’re competing to be your husband? I just wanted to make it to the fantasy suite…
16. “Did you fertilize it yourself?” That’s what he said.
17. Stop dancing, Stevie. Stop it. And change your name. And all of you.
18. These girls are shameless. Dance, monkey! Do pushups, monkey! Strip down for your rectal exam, monkey!
19. What does someone’s desired superhero power have to do with marriageability? What about a guy’s ability to do pushups with one of your friends on his back? “I want a man who can entertain me on Saturday mornings by giving all of my friends piggy back rides.”
20. Did all of those kids come out of that minivan? Are these all Emily’s kids?
21. So is there any question? “I want a man who.. is Jef.”
22. “I want a man who will be totally okay with me just letting myself go and give up on taking care of myself, and who will still want to make sweet passionate love to me when I have to be lifted out of my house by a crane.” Yeah, even with his bump-it hair, you would be lucky to end up with Ryan, Emily. Not so much the other way around.
23. Your friends were awesome. = Your friends spoon fed my ego for 20 minutes.
24. This week Emily says, “There’s a lot more to me than being a mom.” Last week, Emily said, “I’m a mom so I have no hobbies.” I’m confused now.
25. “You’re the least angry person I know.” And I know you REALLY WELL. And unfortunately, no one has shown me this: Doug’s dirty little secret “I want a man who… aw heck, I don’t even care, I’m obviously such a poor judge of character that you can act however you want, and I would never know the difference. Teehee!” (Hint: This is why egg guy, Stevie, Arie, and Kalon are still around. Douches.)
26. Emily’s not going to plan anything for your date. Whatever you do, it will be as much a secret to you as it is to her.
27. I want Kalon to do something interesting and controversial right this instant. I’m so bored right now.
28. Telling Tony his son is a hummingbird and doesn’t have the attention span long enough to care his dad took a hiatus from his life isn’t reassuring.
29. Will someone please just send Tony packing? This whole “I’m Batman, you’re Robin” conversation is using up my whole life. 
30. Nice toast! To the girl who brought us all together? You mean “us” as in you and all the other dudes? Yes! BFF’s!
31. “I want a man with… unique… hair.” Jef, Stevie, Ryan, are all great candidates.
32. Guy who is running the coin toss: “I can’t believe they made me come into work on a Saturday! I can’t believe I’m getting paid to sit in my booth and hand this douche a stuffed animal.”
33. Emily has been to Dollywood approximately 2,938,174 times and never considered even once going on the one ride there?
34. Grammy winning lyrics: “I’m glad I could teach you something about Dolly.” I’m totally stealing that. “I want a man who can’t come up with a single romantic line to include in a fake song.”
35. “Obviously you know I have a daughter.” Yes, everyone knows!
36. Dolly’s been with her husband for 47 years. That’s cute. I wonder how much of that she’s had her ginormous fake boobies.
37. The best part of this show so far has been watching the Madagascar 3 trailers. “Home. Home. Home. Cheeseburger!”
38. “I don’t have a lot of talent.” No hobbies, no personality, yep. This girl wins. “I’m a girl and want to know that if you’re gone you’re thinking of me.” “I want a man just like me. No talent, no hobbies, no personality, but thinks about how awesome I am all the time.”
39. I watch these dates, watch them not eating anything, and I think of all the people on the streets of North Carolina who are going to go hungry while Emily and Ricky Bobby make googy eyes at each other over platefuls of food. It makes me want to start a charity to donate uneaten Bachelorette food to people who do not have a limitless supply of food to waste.
40. Her dress was pretty until I realized that there was a slit down the middle, making it look like a super long pair of coulats.
41. Kalon, I really like you for all your controversy causing potential.
42. “I’ve never had to share much in my life.” This is why I love Kalon. This and his loafers without socks. And that he reminds me of one of the Swing Kids. The one who is super attractive and you kind of feel like something’s amiss… and never realize what it is until he turns out to be a Nazi!
43. Oh, zing! Kalon’s the man! “I love it when you talk but I’d love it if you’d let me finish.” Maybe it was condescending, but Emily’s yeahs, and definitelys, and nondescript quips were annoying me too. “I want a man who wants me to rudely interrupt him constantly.”
44. I think she and Brazilian Guy are having a little bit of a “lost in translation” moment. And for the record, having a child is a compromise. I think most people anticipate having to make concessions when they have babies. For most regular joes, having a child does mean a lot of compromise. Sorry you weren’t able to provide Emily with the reality check she so desperately needs, Gypsy King.
45. Emily: “What’s wrong with me?” Well, aside from the items you’ve already mentioned, there is also the fact that you’re living in La La Land.
46. I wonder if Emily is paid every time she name drops Ricki into conversation.
47. Blahhhhhh… rose ceremonies are boring!
48. I do love when Chris Harrison comes out and says, “Final rose tonight.” Yes, because nobody was even keeping track.
49. Kalon, don’t accept the rose! Don’t do it! It would be my dream come true!
50. Dang.
51. Yes! I cannot stand Stevie! Who cares that I have absolutely no idea who Nate is. Stevie is like a little tiny person and I’m pretty sure he prays every night for a time machine to take him back to 1995. And he looks like a very tiny, dancier version of my friend’s cheating husband. Skeevs!
52. Fight! Fight! Fight!
53. Allesandro dated his cousin! So hot right now.

Best Quote of the episode: “I am a man!” – Chris

you too can make amazing cookies!

This is my sister’s recipe for the most awesome magic cookies in all the land. I have had some several requests for the secret. Well, there are two secrets.

One, use butter-flavored Crisco. Crisco makes a puffier cookie and the butter flavor makes them taste more like, well, cookies baked with butter!

Two,underbake the cookies and let them sit on the cookie sheet after you pull them from the oven…this keeps them soft and yummy. If you like a crispier cookie, you can bake them longer I suppose. But seriously? Find another recipe. Don’t go ruining my cookies.

So, in your mixer (I have a Bosch) or regular bowl combine:

• One stick of butter flavored Crisco (I use the pre-packaged kind…that way you always get the right measurement!)
• 2 eggs
• 3/4 cup white sugar
• 3/4 cup light brown sugar
• 1 tsp vanilla

Beat together until very light and fluffy (this is important!), then add:

• 2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
• Heaping 1/2 cup quick oats
• Heaping 1 tsp. baking soda
• 1/2 tsp salt 

Mix until just combined, then add 1 cup each of white chocolate chips, milk chocolate chips, and 1 cup toffee bits (find these in the grocery store by the chocolate chips–Heath brand, this is the Secret Ingredient!). But you can really use any kind I guess…

Mix the chocolate chips in well (but don’t over mix). I use a cookie scoop to measure out chunks of dough. Place them (DO NOT push them down or squish them) on an ungreased cookie sheet in a preheated 375 degree oven and bake for about 6 minutes.

Remember what I said about undercooking them. You definitely don’t want to see the tops browning. I end up doing about six minutes with mine. Here’s what they look like right after I put them in…

And voila! They will be kind of doughy when they first come out. That is OKAY. Leave them on the sheet for a few minutes so they actually bake a bit more, but at a cooler temperature obviously. Cool on wax paper or baking racks.

There you go. Don’t go messing with the method! You will be SAD.

Also, don’t double the recipe! If you use a tablespoon or a cookie scoop, you will end up with exactly four dozen cookies. THIS IS A LOT OF COOKIES! And they are so good that you will surely end up eating three dozen by yourself. I always limit myself to like, half a dozen and end up providing cookies for mine and Steve’s work, where people have much more self control than we do.

Birthday

Running total of good things:

• I slept in for about an hour. I also realized this morning that Steve has been waking up an hour earlier than me for several months… I kind of thought we got up at the same time. I don’t know why I thought he woke up showered and fully dressed.
• Baby opted to stand in her crib and talk to the ceiling fan for an hour rather than scream and raise hell because she was awake and I was not.
• My mom came to take me to lunch and Loaf still got to sleep for over an hour beforehand.
• Watching really the only suspenseful(ish) episode of Revenge that exists, while baby napped. They’re really pulling out all the stops on this show. Last week the dog died, this week the mom is still alive… wow.
• Roosters enchiladas and lunch with Mom… and homemade root beer. And baby eating crackers is cute.
• Lifetime supply of deodorant and pretty pink and green flowers
• Working for an hour with an ice cream sandwich and Coke. And blogging this list.
• Three TV episodes in my Hulu queue.
• A birthday card from Marci. I love mail.
• Telling my realtor I had to cancel our appointment to go see houses tonight because I forgot it was my birthday.
• The only time in his life that Steve has been able to keep a secret from me.
• Being able to vacuum the entire upstairs and half of the main floor, despite a baby chasing the vacuum around, trying to touch it, and trying to eat the cord, and pulling my pants down trying to get me to hold her.
• My baby loving me extra today, and probably not because I let her eat a metric ton of cheese for second breakfast so I could get one thing done today.

Bachelorette

I have no intention of doing a weekly recap. Who would read that anyway? The only people I know who read Bachelorette recaps are… me…

1. I did think it was super cute when Ryan was talking about making cookies with Emily and said, “I kiiiinda like her…” He has weird, poufy hair, but that was cute and very seventh grade of him.
2. Not perfect date = Dancing outside on a platform while a band plays just for you… and a thousand other people with cameras surrounding you, cheering. 
3. Emily is personality-free. There, I said it. She is so boring. And if she says “I’m happy you’re here,” one more time, I will gouge my eyes out. She just said it twice while they were dancing. She better be happy he’s here… it would be really weird if he wasn’t there and she was dancing on a platform by herself. I imagine that would make her look a lot less favorable… but would certainly get the remaining however many guys’ attention.
4. Did they really just have a scene of the guys sitting around Kermie, having a heart to heart with a puppet? 
5. It would appear that Emily can’t muster the ability to even act like she’s acting excited. Did that even make sense? 
6. So Emily’s job in the dance number is to stand up there and shake her hips? That seems… pretty… complicated?
7. I love Chris Harrison sitting in for Waldorf. Probably the best Bachelor move ever.
8. I can’t imagine why they would cut the standup portion of the show short…
9. They switched the traumatic brain injury guy, who five minutes previous was telling Emily that he had speech problems resultant from being in a COMA, from performing a rehearsed standup routine to improv? Yeah, that seems like the right thing to do.
10. Um, Charlie, when Emily says she feels like a “proud mama” seeing you on stage… that’s not sexy. 
11. Cue cards, guys? Really? You sang a total of two lines, I’m pretty sure, of one of the most universally recognized songs ever. 
12. I haven’t seen Kalon in action yet, but I like him. Sorry. You’ve got to have one guy on here to keep people watching until the final two when Arie and Jef are the only ones left. I hope Kalon makes it to the top three. It’s only fair. And by fair, I mean it’s the only thing that’s going to keep people watching.
13. Chris, you are attractive. But you kind of look like a demon.
14. Jef is constantly doing the “hang loose” sign during his conversation with Emily. Weird.
15. I think it’s common knowledge that Joe = James van der Beek. But what everyone may NOT know is that he also acts just like him. “I’m pumped, I’m excited!” Yes Dawson, we know you are. But dating Emily is a lot different than dating Joey. I’m not sure how. But it is.
16. Okay, it’s official. Stevie, the professional bar mitzvah singer, is stuck in high school.
17. I hate the “So with that…” transition that they ALWAYS use before giving someone the rose. Were they given a list before filming started that had a list of keywords or phrases they were required to schedule in at some point? That and “perfect place to fall in love” are the worst phrases in the English language.
18. I do love Emily’s side sweep. I hope that it encourages her to have more personality… Apparently all it does is make her more conceited. Nice twirl/modeling poses with your Dawson date.
19. Steve would die to even get to touch that car.
20. Are you really going to the place you had your coming out tea? 
21. I love that dress.
22. “In five years I see myself happy.” Why don’t you come up with another way to dodge the question. And probably the next worst way to dodge the question is, “Well what about you?” Yeah, this is good conversation. 
23. I am almost positive that the Green Briar has never had a love clock until this moment.
24. “That’s like… my dream! I want that… (but with this guy? Pffffffftt…)”
25. Called it.
26. Who is hipster glasses guy and why do I hate him so much? Is it because I’m almost positive he’s staring at Emily’s boobs the whole time she’s giving her little cocktail party speech?
27. You’ve never been to Scotsdale? Really? It’s America’s #1 Hotspot!
28. Girls: Don’t tell a guy you don’t have any hobbies. Guys: Don’t tell a girl that you understand that she doesn’t have any hobbies because you’ve dated single moms.
29. “Someone go steal her!” Major heist.
30. Tony, abandon ship! Abandon ship! Mayday! ABORT! ABORT! That was the worst moment of both of our lives. I may never forget the awkwardness and the horribleness of watching Emily read out that whole love letter while you stood there, watching… not interrupting… creepering…
31. Oh Bachelor Nation, exploiting people’s kids for 16 seasons.
32. I just wish that they would show the reality version of reality TV. For example, in “The Bachelorette,” it’s far more likely you have 25 guys farting and talking about sports and less baring of souls and crying. I liked when Dawson got kicked off, he didn’t hug her or anything, he just took off. That’s a legit breakup. He’s all, “Who cares about you? I’ve known you for two days! SUCKA!” and she’s all, “I just dumped you but I’m going to bawl my eyes out now and talk about my daughter who I swear I did not want to get sucked into this. But what the heck. She’s six, she can handle it.”
33. I honestly have never seen Nate before. Is he a paparazzi that snuck in for the rose ceremony?
34. Hey hipster glasses dude. She probably doesn’t recognize you with that killer disguise.
35. The only thing that would make Michael more gross right now would be if he had his ponytail in a sequin scrunchy.
36. Please will one person on this show not accept the rose? Snore.
37. You cannot marry someone named Stevie. Automatic disqualification.
38. How is Brazilian still there? 
39. I’m so excited about upcoming episodes when they apparently exploit more kids! 

the fixation

I said it when she was a newborn, when she was about six weeks old, when she was four months old, when she was six months old I said it a lot, and I have found myself saying it again at nine months. This stage is my favorite.

Recently Loaf has developed fixations on things. She gets her tiny little heart set on one thing and will not rest until it is hers. And then if you take it away, or even touch it, or move it, or take it from one squishy hand to put it in the other hand, she screams bloody murder.

I call this the Tale of the Spoon.

Once upon a time, Mom was feeding Baby some undefined baby goo. Every time the spoon got close to her mouth, Baby would grab at the spoon, most often failing, but sometimes succeeding at grabbing the spoon and flinging baby goop across the kitchen. Mom, getting tired of this exercise, came up with a plan that was sure to work. She got another spoon out and gave that one to Baby.

Baby was happier than a bird with a french fry (to borrow a phrase from Dad) at this point, and was content to be fed at one side of her tray while clenching a spoon in her fist on the other side. However, the happiness was short-lived. As Mom went to put goo into Baby’s mouth, Baby decided to use her spoon as a saber, knocking Mom’s spoon out of the way, and inserting her own spoon into her mouth before Mom’s spoon even had a chance.

This was cute for a while, even Mom had to admit that. However, Babies are silly creatures and don’t often realize what end of the spoon is the right end. Baby proceeded to  stick the handle-end of the spoon into her mouth and gag herself. Mom took matters into her own hands and to save Baby’s life, Mom apprehended the spoon from Baby.

Who did not like this idea one bit.

Baby screamed bloody murder. Mom thought that Baby would probably get over it and as Baby howled, her mouth wide open, Mom shoveled a little more goo into Baby’s mouth. The goo immediately dribbled out of Baby’s open, screaming face-hole. Baby would not be soothed. Mom grabbed all manner of toys and set them on Baby’s tray. Baby shoved them off. Without thinking, Mom placed the jar of foodgoo on Baby’s tray. Baby grabbed the jar and dumped it down the front of herself.

Mom was not amused. Thinking quickly, Mom remembered some babyproof, anti-chokeable spoons she impulse bought last year. She grabbed one and gave it to Baby.

And Baby experienced happiness again after what she was sure was several years. Everywhere that Baby went that day, the spoon went to. And Mom didn’t try to take it away from her once. She made it through taking her clothes off, taking her diaper off, but decided to drop it in the toilet right before bathtime. She screamed until Mom brought her another, which she clenched in a tight little fist through her bath:

And for the next four hours, Baby held that spoon. She is kind of crazy.

While I know it’s not unique, I love her little idiosyncrasies. I love her crazy little baby personality. Today I cut up little itsy bitsy pieces of cheese and put them on her tray so I could watch a webinar in peace. That’s all I did, cut them up, put them on her tray, and watched away. I figured when I looked back at her tray that she had eaten all of the cheese. With the exception of a couple she had decided to fling who knows where, they were all gone. What a good eater! I praised.

Loaf grinned her to-die-for little smile, and I took off her clothes, changed a very poopy diaper, filled up the bathtub (in case you’re wondering, yes, I almost always give her a bath after lunch… it’s her grossest time), made sure I had a towel, new diaper, and her pajamas laid out. I was placing her in her bath seat when she loosened her grip. I hadn’t even realized that she was making a fist. But out of that little chubby fist dropped six little chunks of cheese.

Either she didn’t care much for the cheese and wanted to see it drown, or she was hording cheese and saving it for naptime. I like to think that my daughter has more of an appreciation for cheese than to just let them go to waste in the bathtub, so I’m going with Option B.

And now I will indulge myself and post some cute pictures.

As cute as it is to watch her chase it around on her tray, I will likely not feed her corn again.  That is not a diaper I want to deal with ever again.

Loaf has learned how to pull up on things. Sometimes she gets excited and starts pulling herself up a little early, which usually ends up in this sort of stance. And she starts looking at that leg that is waaaay back there with a look on her face that says, “What the heck am I supposed to do with you all the way back there?” but can’t seem to get it to move. Special babe.

She is kind of a Cherry Coke addict. No idea where she got that…

Loaf’s favorite place to be is in the window. It is the only thing (besides a spoon, in some cases) that will always get her to calm down if she is being whiney. She likes to sit in the window especially when Papa Bear or I come home. She can’t quite figure out why she can see through it but can’t get through it. I’m sure we’re teaching her really good habits, she’s going to think she can jump off anything and there will be a window there to stop her fall. I’m pretty excited about that.

And that’s all I have for today.

Just because.

I got these from Shelli. Thanks Shelli. I’m not tagging anyone, and by that, I mean I’m tagging everyone.

If you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be? Thailand. I don’t know why. I’ve always wanted to go there. Probably because of food. Everything in my life boils down to food.

What one in-vogue style would you get rid of, if you could? I don’t know what is “in-vogue” right now. I wore my pajamas until 4 pm today.

What song describes your love life at the moment? I don’t know, I can’t get “A Thousand Years” by Christina Perri out of my head right now. That sounds good, I’ll have that.

How many books (physical copies) do you own? Right now, too many to count. We’re taking donations of books for the bookshop.

How old were you when you had your first kiss? 17. Old.

Peanut butter and jelly or grilled cheese? PB&J is my favorite food. Or at least in the top 5. Because apparently I’m 7.

What do you daydream about? Sleeping.

Within your dating life, what’s one dating faux pas you made? I was never the “hard to get” type. If I liked you, you knew it. If I was mad at you, you knew that too. I don’t hold back.

Is there a place that you go to quite often, but seem to get lost getting there every time? I get lost going everywhere. I miss the turn to get to my house at least once a week.

Where was your first job? Chuck E. Cheese. Yes, I was the mouse.

Who was your out-of-your-league, not-going-to-happen, crush? That one time I had a boyfriend when I was in ninth grade and thought he was a huge dork. I was totally embarrassed of him, and then the next year, I realized that he was probably the coolest guy ever and everyone loved him.

Adam? Steve?

My husband and Adam Levine could very well be the same person. And look, for the first 28 seconds, you can see a picture of Ophelia and I. We’re all celebrities!

house hunters: ghetto edition

So you’re probably aware by now that Papa Bear and I are looking for a new house. It has been a major adventure. We lowered the asking price on our house $10,000 without any bites, and then another $2,000. This $2,000 has made all the difference. We have had two showings in the last 24 hours (was just lowered yesterday). Both times our agent called to say, “We have someone who wants to see the house today.”

The first time this happened, I was given two hours. The second time, I was driving home, and the car in front of me happened to be a realtor and two of her clients out for an evening drive through the neighborhood. They saw our yard sign, called the listing agent, who then called me. I ran inside, was making the bed, and turning on lights, when I heard someone downstairs talking about my bathroom. What the!

Because our budget is so itty bitty, and I see no reason why I should have to pay what the house is actually worth for a house anyway… we are playing the short sale game. It has been interesting. I have taken away from this experience (a week into this experience) some very important lessons. And now I will bestow upon all of you the precious gift of knowledge that I have received after looking through close to 40 different houses:

• Never run a cat rescue out of your house. Cats don’t smell great. And after six years of having a million homeless cat orphans in your basement, breeding and peeing nonstop, you probably should just give up trying to sell it and lighting a match to the whole structure. Everyone in the world will thank you.
• “Bonus storage” is not always a bonus. One house we went through was a really good house. Very spacious, nice wood floors, great layout, a door in the basement with a cat door in it… alright… getting scarier… we open it, and find the “bonus storage” space was apparently where they stored the supplies for what might be a dozen cats. And bulk mayonnaise. That seemed important to store in the cat room.
• Pets don’t sell houses. Not sure why these all seem to be cat related. But at one other house we went to, the family’s gross cat followed us around the whole place, knocking over picture frames and pulling his ratty claws all over the carpet and couches. Another house (which the owners had abandoned) had a huge fish tank in the front room, stinking up the place. In another place the owners instructed us to stay inside so the dogs wouldn’t see us. And finally, in one more house, the owners’ Rottweiler followed us around, licking our hands. I think it’s better when showing your house to just pretend you hate animals.
• Keep evidence of any and all bad habits to a minimum. In the Rottweiler’s house, there was (no exaggeration!) five half empty jugs of vodka in every room. Including the bathrooms. Yes, some people drink. I can deal with that. But it gives you kind of a bad feeling when you peek behind the shower curtain and there’s a cigarette floating in a jug of whiskey in the shower caddy, or when you are scoping out the living room and the sole decorative statement in the room is an array of empty beer bottles lining the wall. This is not a judgment, I’m just saying people want to feel like their homes are being taken care of, which usually requires more vacuuming, and what I imagine should be fewer than 300 fluid ounces of vodka in a day.
• Floors are good selling points. The houses that really impressed me the most had floors. You would be surprised to discover how many houses are actually missing this feature.

So as I’m going through my house prior to showings, I know what to look for. My carpet’s not the best, but I have a floor, so that’s got to count for something I suppose. I feel I’m hiding my alcohol problem pretty well, and I have my “anti-all-animal-life” signage posted in a prominent location. But Papa Bear laughed at me when I read online that you’re supposed to have “soft, relaxing music” playing in your house when people come over. I don’t know if it worked or not having Norah Jones serenading the home viewers, but it’s got to be better than a Rottweiler. I feel pretty good about it.

(Please note that the above houses are all houses we walked through that are being sold by short sale, meaning THESE PEOPLE ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO SELL THEIR HOUSE. You would think that they would rethink the “cat urine everywhere possible” idea.)

opinions on baby massacres

I am including this adorable picture of my baby in a pile of laundry in an effort to soften the blow of what I’m about to tell you. I saw The Hunger Games and did not like them. As a result, I will not be reading the books. The movie was very well done, I thought (but my opinion probably doesn’t matter much as someone who has not read the books), but it was personally offensive to me. I posted this on Facebook and got quite the reaction, and I have to say, that with all the controversial issues I have opinions on, the one I was not expecting to get such a reaction about was the one about a movie.

Maybe the books are far different, and maybe I would like them. But I’m telling you that if the book involves children being murdered (um… by other children), I’m definitely not okay with that. If you know me, or anything about my taste in literature (basically, the darker the better), you can probably gather that the reason for my disdain for The Hunger Games had nothing to do with the fact that it was not light and fluffy. The one thing I was disappointed in was how they tied up so nicely at the end and gave everyone a happy ending. Dark, unresolved endings are much better.

My disdain for The Hunger Games was the socially irresponsible exploitation of human emotions for a profit. Ultimately, it seemed that the aim of the movie was to get a reaction out of the audience. I saw that reaction around me and it was not pretty. Seeing everyone in the theater around me gushing and cheering when the “bad guy” (a child) gets eaten by lions made me feel sick.

And I said it on Facebook, but I’ll say it here too. As a society, we are obsessed with media. Our lives are encased by it. We can’t ever really go anywhere to escape from it, and most of us wouldn’t want to if given the chance. So how long before people think competitions like the hunger games are really okay? Long shot? Maybe. But when Ed Norton’s hotness appeared in Fight Club, do you remember how many news stories cropped up about real life fight clubs? Were you aware that there are several “real life superhero” groups out there? People who dress up in tights and capes with aliases, and go and fight crime? I wonder where they got that idea. Even movies like Beethoven, 101 Dalmations, and Marmaduke have led to dramatic increases in the kinds of pets people by, and later give back to animal shelters. (Pongo is not real, but if he was, he probably peed in the house a lot, people.)

So what I’m saying is I understand movie execs and authors like Stephenie Meyer and Suzanne Collins to get themselves all rich and famous. And if they have to make light of horrific world events (The Hunger Games), and peddle sex to kids at the sake of good writing (Twilight), I suppose that is their choice. I just don’t think it’s socially responsible . And that’s my opinion. Which I’m sure offends a lot of people. But it’s there.

Ophelia Waves