mostly probably

Today was a good day. I knew last night I should go grocery shopping, but I was saved at the last minute by some girls in my ward who invited me over for breakfast. Following breakfast, I went and checked out the comments on my blog and Amanda had invited me over for her baby’s #1 birthday party. And if this is not the cutest face you’ve ever seen then you probably have no soul. Or at the very least, a teensy tiny one that never manifests itself. Ever.

Anyway, I don’t really have much to write. Some good things about today would probably include getting to see Amanda, and getting to see Amanda again for lunch tomorrow. Two Amanda days in a row! I’m not quite sure what to do with myself.

Some more good things about today. I actually went to Stake Conference. Riley texted me reminding me to go to church, which was awesome because apparently I’m inactive. (Joking, Riley!) For the record, I’m not apostate.

Um, let’s see. Oh yeah. So I actually did go to church today, and I actually was all ready for church when I got Riley’s text, lest any of you think reminders to attend actually help. I even went to Stake Conference. Does anyone else out there seem to think Stake Conferences are like free or “church optional” days? I always have but I went anyway. Please applaud me in your heart. Thank you.

Some other points of interest of the day include: I listened to Hoobastank’s new album, “For(n)ever” in its entirety for the fifth or sixth time in the past three days and heart it with all my little heart’s heartiness. I don’t know how it’s possible that Anberlin and Hoobastank both came out with the most amazing new CD’s ever so close to each other, but indeed they did, and I think they did it on purpose. You know, in honor of me and what not.

Another random interesting thing that I happen to love today. I did my hair curly. Naturally, I got sick of it after about two seconds and pulled it back in a ponytail. Little did I know that my little messy ponytail was going to be the cutest one ever invented!

So on my way to Amanda’s house, I tried in vain to get one decent self portrait of my cute messy ponytail. And this is what we’ve come up with. I look very serious because I was driving 75 mph down I-15 when this picture was taken. And I’m serious about not dying. But I’m also serious that this is the cutest ponytail ever created. So I’m torn.

And that, my friends, is the most pointless blog ever. Now please find me something to do. Because I’m bored and I ran out of good things today.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before? Got divorced!
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Nope, my resolution last year was to get pregnant. That never happened. I don’t think I’ll make more this year.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Pretty much everyone possible. 2008 was baby year.
4. Did anyone close to you die? A lot of old friends and family are pretty much dead to me. Does that count?
5. What countries did you visit? Viva la Argentina!
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? More dates.
7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? August 8 was the day my husband told me he wanted a divorce, August 11 was the day he told me he had an affair, and September 16 was the date the divorce was final. And then May 24 was my birthday, and it was fun.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Graduating.
9. What was your biggest failure? Being married.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Not actually.
11. What was the best thing you bought? Spring Break outlet shopping. That whole trip was a great success. And my movie ticket to Mamma Mia!
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Mine. I think I was a pretty good person this year.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Both of the “he’s who must not be named,” (Parts I and II, thanks Tyler).
14. Where did most of your money go? Shopping. And post-divorce-stress-eating-and-skinnier-jeans.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Going to Argentina. San Diego. Portland (I’m not going until 2009 but I bought tickets in 2008). Seeing the Stank and Anberlin. Boys. Graduation.
16. What song will always remind you of 2008? “Ever So Sweet” by The Early November. “Retrace” by Anberlin. “The Sun and the Moon” by Mae. All the songs on Mamma Mia.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: A) happier or sadder? A lot more sad. B) Thinner or fatter? Thinner. Yay, right? C) Richer or poorer? Hard to say. I would say richer because all my money is my own.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Travel. Avoided drama. Snuggling.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Sitting at the computer. Wasting time spent with lame peoples.
20. How did you spend Christmas? With my parents and more family in Argentina. And the cutest missionaries ever.
21. Did you fall in love in 2008? The jury is still out on that one.
22. What was your favorite TV program? Arrested Development.
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Yes, the most unexpected of peoples, but I’m working on not. And I’m working on hating people I don’t. I’m all backwards in 2009.
24. What was the best book you read? Diary of a Wimpy Kid. Grapes of Wrath (again).
25. What was your greatest musical discovery? Mae and the Brobecks.
26. What did you want and get? I can’t think of anything.
27. What did you want and not get? A baby.
28. What was your favorite film of this year? Mamma Mia!
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 25, and I can’t actually remember. My ex-husband was out with his girlfriend.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Mr. Dry Spell being someone slightly more attractive.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? Whatever the crap I want to wear. Same as in other years. Lots more yoga pants from Old Navy though. And lots more hoodies.
32. What kept you sane? Friends, shopping, and my therapist.
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I don’t know. Jude Law?
34. What political issue stirred you the most? I’m not stirred by political issues in general. But probably Prop 8 because of my conflicted feelings on the whole issue.
35. Who did you miss? Chad the most. But all Stringhams.
36. Who was the best new person you met? mmmmmmmmmmk! (PREC! I know, right?)
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008. I learned all sorts of valuable life lessons. Probably the best one is just be true to yourself and love yourself for who you are. You’re the only person you can ever really depend on.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. So many. Every song on New Surrender (Anberlin) and The Everglow (Mae). Seriously, every single one. Buy them.

I am behind on blogging. I know and I am ashamed. I guess that happens  when you are forced to cancel internet service and depend on other people’s computers to please all of your adoring fans. It has been a doozy of a couple of weeks, I’ll tell you what. It all started with me, Amanda, and a billion crazy emo fans at the Anberlin/Hoobastank concert…

Amanda and I were the old Mormon misfits who looked at each other skeptically when the guy got up onstage and yelled “F*** Christmas!” repeatedly. He then proceeded to yell all of us “motherf***ers” to high heaven (I think just the fact that I used the term “high heaven” disqualifies me from ever fitting in at a concert) for not contributing to the f***ing cancer donation jar, not even one measley f***ing dollar. Because apparently we’re a bunch of “f***ing sons of b****es.”

All in good fun, naturally. And I’m feeling super motivated to donate to cancer research now. What about you?

Erstwhile (I’m not sure what that means, but I like it), I am in love with The Brobecks, a new emoish favorite of mine. Download Goodnight Socialite. Good.

My two most favorite things ever are Hoobastank and Anberlin. I was just a little bit devastated when Anberlin came to Salt Lake and I didn’t get to go.

Well! Imagine my surprise when I decided on a whim to see if Hoobastank was still alive, and found that Anberlin and Hoobastank are both going to be at “The Nightmare Before X-Mas” show this Friday, and I just bought tickets! I might have to go alone since I’m not sure anyone still knows who Hoobastank is, or ever knew who Anberlin was… but that’s okay. One less bum for the lovely and talented Stephen Christian to sign.

I heart my life.

I told you I would do it Mike. Never underestimate me. Ever again. You’ll be so sorry. Even more sorry than you were after you read this whole list. (I will quiz you to make sure you read it, too. So watch it.)

1. thumbs ups
2. temple pie
3. coconut
4. laughing
5. mashed potatoes
6. shrimp
7. outback steakhouse
8. gmail
9. most attractive boys
10. my blog
11. parakeets chirping
12. pomeranians
13. old people
14. places that serve pancakes all day
15. some people’s babies
16. pugs
17. emails from long lost friends
18. IM conversations that make you lol
19. being me
20. “that is all.”
21. puppies
22. bear cubs
23. smell of smoke in the fall
24. headbands
25. earrings
26. interesting necklines
27. high heels
28. funny “read over again” texts
29. colorful things
30. good quality facial hair
31. validation
32. the jeans i’m wearing today
33. not acting my age
34. my graduation shoes
35. hoobastank
36. marigolds
37. compliments
38. anberlin
39. chopin nocturnes
40. regina spektor
41. singing
42. my therapist
43. turquoise
44. ralph lauren cologne
45. bags
46. sales
47. hippi
48. snuggling
49. anberlin
50. library books
51. ballpoint pen smell
52. google reader
53. funny columns
54. flirty boys
55. biosilk silk therapy
56. blog comments
57. yoga pants
58. jeans that fit
59. my last name
60. biolage shampoo and conditioner
61. loud music
62. holding hands
63. peacoats
64. hoodies
65. autumn leaves
66. stella
67. having a new driveway. maybe.
68. master suites
69. blankets
70. polka dots
71. chi
72. squeezits
73. feta
74. cookies with a hint of cinnamon
75. juice boxes
76. rachmaninoff
77. engagement rings
78. old pictures
79. hats
80. men in suits
81. ovaltine
82. nailpolish
83. my flash drive
84. dusters (sweaters)
85. my couch
86. ellen degeneres
87. 30 rock
88. zoolander
89. will ferrell
90. making collages
91. pasta
92. cheese quesadillas the molly way
93. tina fey
94. hilarious one liners
95. pink, orange, or purple ties
96. houndstooth
97. the number four
98. hot showers
99. wild honeysuckle (bath&body works)
100. thinking about kissing

Yup. That just happened. Embrace it.

Today was a better day, and no matter how this blog sounds, I am actually in a good mood. Just reflective. That’s not always bad. I wish sometimes I had a way of keeping confused/hurt/angry feelings inside. If I was better at that, I would still be married. And if I was still married I wouldn’t have to deal with trying to keep confused/hurt/angry feelings below the surface now while I’m dating. But that’s just not my way.

I’m sure people have said (or at the very least, thought): “No wonder he divorced her.” I can’t blame anyone; I have been known to say it myself anywhere from once to 5,000 times today alone. But the point is our problems ran quite a bit deeper than just that, and for a longer period of time. And I find myself in miniature versions of the exact same situation as I’m dating. How am I supposed to break free of it?

Two months ago today my divorce was final and I don’t feel as if I have learned much from it. I was played in my marriage. I have been played since. And in one unfortunate situation I played someone else. The first I’m obviously not speaking to. Guy who played me I still have pretty intense feelings for but for all intents and purposes we’re not speaking. Third guy and I aren’t speaking either. My conclusion is to not date anymore. Not for a while. At the risk of sounding cliche, my heart can’t take it. My two significant dating situations in the past two months have both ended up with one or both of us feeling shattered. Dating is lame.

Now on to the good stuff. I recently got in touch with one of the women from my old Benson ward who encouraged me to come and visit Relief Society. So I did and I cried the whole time. I knew I had to leave him that night in August. I wanted to. I wasn’t mad (at first). I felt liberated. But I never got around to coming to terms with leaving Benson behind. It’s true that the only reason we were there was because it’s what he wanted. It was the loneliest year in my marriage (they were all pretty lonely so that’s something). But I felt so much love from the community that I can hardly complain. It felt like home to be with these women again, and to have Lois worshiping me for my mad piano skillz. Even after everything everyone in Benson did for me, I still wasn’t prepared to feel that much for this town. Good times.

Alright. So that wasn’t a very happy paragraph. Remember what I said? Reflective, not sad. Keep that in mind. The theme at church today seemed to be, once again, forgetting yourself and devoting your time and talents to God. I am a pretty sucky person. I know that I should be doing that but I don’t know how. Our stake president quoted Anberlin today. Just thought I would mention that. He said, “This life is not about me.” Ha! Burn Out Brighter is one of my least favorite songs on New Surrender, but I think it deserves a spot on the blog. It should probably be in the hymn book, actually:

Don’t wanna leave this world knowing I preach in vain
Looked out for myself, so sorry so ashamed
Don’t wanna leave this life knowing I barely tried
Chased all my dreams that I can’t weigh on the inside

Live, I wanna live on fire
Die, I wanna burn out brighter
Brighter than the Northern lights
Wanna live to feel the daylight
The more I live I see that this life’s not about me.

So okay. Let’s make my to do list.

1. Keep it bottled up inside (just a little bit).
2. Don’t date anymore.
3. Live more like the Bensonites.
4. Give Burn Out Brighter another chance.

Yep, I think that’s all.

This is not going to be nearly as exciting as SNL’s weekend updates, but here’s what we’ve got so far.

I was supposed to go on a blind date tonight with Beckie’s friend’s boyfriend’s friend tonight. However, last night I had an experience that discouraged me from even thinking about dating another boy for as long as I live. Okay, a little dramatic. But whatever. Anyway, I didn’t want to go, and this friend of a friend of a friend of a friend seemed incredibly shallow (read: absolutely not datable, not even once) when he requested a photo. Okay, he did get one. But I guess he wanted to make sure I was of adequate build I suppose because he asked for one that showed all of me, not just my face. Awesome, huh? I don’t think I have anything to hide. A little chubby around the edges. But I didn’t like the feeling of being under such scrutiny before a date even happened, so we’ll forget about that.

I chose to go down to Salt Lake anyway and me and Beckie had a date. She “Indian giver”ed me the most awesome pair of shoes that, despite being a size too big (and a size and a half on my right foot), were amazingly hot. And a dress that is most unflattering but I love it anyway. And then I looked at her scrapbook and found a host of most amazing pictures of the two of us throughout the years. Overalls never looked quite so hot and angsty as they were when Beckie and I when we wore them in high school pretty much constantly. I’m looking forward someday (as in Tuesday at the lab) to taking all of my old dance pictures and scanning them in and posting them on Facebook. Seriously awesome.

So after too many Del Taco tacos (too many as in one), I headed over to Meghan’s house where I ate a ton of her cookies (which are in competition with Natalie’s cookies–it’s a toss-up) and fell asleep, granny that I am, while watching Mad Money (not Katie Holmes/Diane Keaton movie, but some TV show that talks about money–what?) of all things. I woke up from my granny nap at 9:30 and am now blogging all about it as if it were exciting somehow. I think what I wanted to talk about in this blog was my apparent lack of really significant dating. Allow me to present the evidence.

Exhibit A. I am emotionally unavailable and should therefore stay away from guys who are emotionally unavailable. But I do it and it’s pretty much the most fun I have ever had while non-dating. Me and this person get along rather famously when we’re face to face but it makes me feel generally angstier than hell when I don’t see him. So there’s that. And when you sit and look back on things, we have dated. Quite a bit, actually. But they’re not dates because we don’t give them a title. I’m not being sarcastic. These nondates are fun and I can’t help it. Don’t judge me.

Exhibit B. This is what my therapist would call my karmic relationship. It is the exact opposite of what my relationship with Exhibit A is like. At least it was back when we were dating. The past two weeks. Three times. Everything is perfect except one crucial element, which makes me sad but is pretty major. Sad that this was really my only hope for a normal dating experience. He asked me to stay in Utah a la every favorite chick flick ever. He opened the door for me. He made me feel like I was the only person on earth. He was super affectionate. And he always made sure I had everything I wanted, including chocolate cake. But there’s that one thing missing that has to be there.

Exhibit C. Remember how everyone is dating someone except me? I don’t want to get anyone in trouble here so I’m going to be as very vague as I possibly can. What is with guys from my past who are in relationships (albeit relationships of meager levels of seriousness) wanting to nondate me? On my way down to Provo I somehow made plans with two guys from my past who are both in relationships with other people. Both conversations contained a common sentence. Both guys said at some point, “Oh, but this is not a date.” Right. So we’re going out and doing something but it’s not a date because you say it’s not. That makes sense.

Oh, and check out my angsty playlist of angsty angst songs to angstily listen to while you’re angstily driving around feeling the angst of angstiness.

• Anberlin – Retrace
• Anberlin – Haight St.
• Brand New – Quiet Things that No One Ever Knows (I blew out a speaker I think)
• The Early November – Ever So Sweet
• Mae – We’re So Far Away
• Mae – Suspension
• John Legend – Get Lifted
• Regina Spektor – Carbon Monoxide
• Regina Spektor – Us
• Hoobastank – The Reason
• Hoobastank – Born to Lead
• Hoobastank – Out of Control
• Hawthorne Heights – DISASTER
• Earth, Wind & Fire – Dancing in September

So that’s about it. I have two nondates to attend to tomorrow and even though it was made quite clear that neither of them are dates (girlfriends don’t respond well to their boyfriends going out with other girls–go figure), I still feel the need to look exceptionally hot. Figure that one out.

It’s been less than a day since I blogged last so I feel like I need to again. Because I’m that bored. I have been thinking about my previous blog about my top three songs and now every time I listen to any music I think about that blog and its incompleteness. I’m still not any closer to finding my third favorite song, and I have since taken “Why: Part 2″ down and so now I have two more songs to fill the void.

No offense, but I didn’t like any of the suggestions people gave. My top three music list will probably always have just one song on it since my music tastes change every two seconds. However, at this very moment, at exactly 10:10 a.m. in the morning on November 3, 2008, these are my favorite songs of this particular moment but are probably not candidates for top three ever (in no particular order):

1. Can a piece by Chopin make it to the list? Because Nocturne in Eb minor should probably at least be in the running. Along with every other Nocturne my man Frederic wrote. And Tchaikovsky’s Piano Concerto in C. And Rachmaninoff’s Prelude in C#. And… I think that’s it.
2. Yes, I know this probably makes me lame (almost as lame as my love for Styx makes me) but Silent Lucidity by Queensryche is quite possibly the most beautiful song ever sung. I have heard other songs by Queensryche. I didn’t like them. I love this song.
3. The Secret. Maroon 5. Adam Levine. I love him. I love his whole life. I love that he was born. I love that he is living and breathing right now. He is the best person ever. This song is the best ever. I love it too much for it to even be healthy. Adam is kind of pervy but I kind of like it.
4. I’m sorry, but I still love The Reason by Hoobastank. I still think it’s amazing, and I still love Born to Lead by the stank, but The Reason is still my favorite stankiness despite its overplayedness on the radio. When it used to be on the radio. I never got sick of it. I think because it reminds me of my therapist in a weird way. It’s like our therapy love song. It’s odd.
5. Right now, Anberlin’s Retrace would make it. It has that angsty love song feel without being a love song at all. So you know, I love all love songs that aren’t really love songs at all (such as #4 on this list). They make me feel angsty about life. Not love. Because that wouldn’t make sense. Obviously.
6. To appease the Brand New gods, Quiet Things that No One Ever Knows might as well be added. It has probably the best first 30 seconds of any song ever. It comes up on my mp3 player and I listen to 30 seconds… and then start it over and listen to 30 seconds. I do this with the last minute of Mae’s Sun and the Moon too.
7. And although I have no commentary on it, the only song I will ever love by U2 is All I Want Is You. It makes me so incredibly angsty. Not about life. About love. Because it’s just that way.

And by all means, keep sending me suggestions because this list is not about to end soon if I don’t hurry and post this stupid thing.

I feel a deep sense of loss today because anberlin is coming to Salt Lake and I didn’t know far enough ahead of time to get tickets. AND I don’t have anyone to go with. AND Salt Lake is far away. AND I love them. Wait, that’s not an excuse. That’s more reason to bawl my eyes out. I think I will as soon as professor man is done talking about absolutely nothing.

I’m Frumpy McFrumperson today. I’m wearing my long denim skirt (which I love), a white shirt and yellow cardigan (Hello, Librarian!) and Mary Janes. Without socks. And a headband. And I am only wearing mascara today (to my credit, I did put the mascara booster stuff on, which makes my lashes long and luscious). I’m frumpy! I walk seven blocks to school so my cute espies (Brit-slang for espadrilles) that I had on for about five seconds today are not an option. I just feel all frumpy and it’s making me sad. I want to go home and get my eyebrows waxed and my hair washed and done (which I haven’t really done with any real conviction for several days) and look awesome! But then my predicament lies in not having anywhere to go while looking all awesome, etc.

Am I the only one who ever feels like this? Do any of you loyal readers (at least those precious and dear few who leave comments) ever feel uncomfortable and frumpy? And then still go out in public? For someone who religiously listens to Dr. Laura, the one-woman frump police, I have a lot to learn. Sometimes I leave the house and think I look super cute and then as I catch my reflection in a window or in a pool of my own frumpish misery throughout the day, I realize I look seriously bad. And then I’m uncomfortable in my own skin and I try to leave school with the excuse that I’m having an old-lady-who-has-let-herself-go emergency. What is something you guys do to make yourself feel good and, for those who have similar frump-related problems every once in a while (Natalie is dismissed from commenting because I’m pretty sure she’s hot all the time), look less frumpy? I am serious! I am in great distress and never want to show my face ever again. And I’m serious about the eyebrows. They’re starting to let themselves go, and someone told me this morning that my eyebrows look frumpy.

That’s not a good sign.

No new bike. But I did get this:

And it is amazing. I am confused why “Feel Good Drag” is on there though. This upsets me because “Feel Good Drag” was one of the first songs I ever heard by Anberlin, and they’re putting it on there like it’s new. Also, “Unwinding Cable Car” is on Cities and it’s on New Surrender as a bonus track. What gives, anbie? I love you, I do, but this is messed up.

P.S. How was I not informed that they are coming to Salt Lake on the October 8th? How is it that no hot boys are taking me to this? How in the name of all that is holy, just, right, true, and acceptable to all parties did this happen?!