mostly probably

As of today, I have reinstated my goal of 50 first dates. There is a new post. Basically, what it involves is me soliciting everyone in the whole world for dates. Seriously folks, if I’m going to date once a week then I need to A) Start being more normal, and B) Start being less averse to blind dating.

This is not a joke. This is not a test. This is serious business, people. Re-Date #1 commences tomorrow.

So I went on a blind date on Tuesday. I will not regale this blog with the many, many things I said that were absolutely wrong and offensive and all sorts of bad ideas. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. Regardless, I thought the date went well until he said, “It was nice to meet you,” at the end and took off. (This would not have been so bad had I not seen “He’s Just Not That Into You” a couple weeks earlier.)

To the credit of the whole experience, he did follow me to the gas station on my way out of Salt Lake and made sure I got on the freeway okay (I always get lost looking for freeway on-ramps). But advice from people who are not quite so bad at dating as I am told me point blank: “He will not call you again. Ever. Maybe if he needs a favor.” Another friend told me, “I’m sorry your date was so unimpressed with you.” I love friends.

So Wednesday passed and Thursday was halfway over and done with when I get a text from the only guy I’ve gone out with ever who pulls my chair out for me, who my mother and sister call “Nice to Meet You Guy.” Sure enough, he needed a favor. And somehow, because I’m a girl who may or may not be interested in this fella, I got myself involved in a mock trial that is taking place tomorrow.

And oh yeah, it’s all official and everything. And oh yeah, it’s at the Courthouse in Salt Lake. And oh yeah, I will probably burst into tears. And oh yeah, my “husband” is the one on trial for felony murder so I’m the star witness and if I don’t do a good job then Nice to Meet You Guy’s roommate is going to flunk out of law school and my life will come to an abrupt and grisly end.

Inevitably.

Seriously, what is wrong with me? Remember when I burst into tears in one of my classes because my teacher asked me in a fake job interview to tell me about myself? Remember how I’m terrified of talking in groups of um, one or more people? Remember how I’m currently experiencing a wealth of butterflies in my stomach? I am old but I still feel too young to die! Yup. It makes perfect sense why I would agree to do this. It’s been fun, friends. See you on the other side.

Signed,

Mary Burns

The following things did not occur today:

1. I did not cry when asked what my long term career goals were.
2. I did not cry when asked what my short term career goals were.
3. I did not cry at any time for any reason. I wanted to cry when I went to Interview #3 for a tech support position and they gave me an eight-page test asking me to interpret impossible programming code. Instead, I opted for thinking of all the sundry ways I could kill my bfish for telling me the only valuable information I would need to know in preparation for the interview was what FTP is.
4. I did not cry when the mechanic told me that the $400 oxygen filter had to be replaced in the Blackest Ninja/my Honda.

That is a lot of not crying. Please tell me you’re impressed, because I am. On the other hand, the following things did occur, and I should probably own up to them now:

1. I did suffer a panic attack after Interview #3 was over. I guess it’s better it happened after the interviews rather than before or during. Usually the only things that help curb a panic attack for me are cookies or doing laundry.
2. I did eat through my pseudo-grandparents’ entire cookie supply in an effort to thwart off the “three interviews in one day without bursting into tears and/or spontaneously combusting” demons that were threatening to eat my soul all day long.
3. I did do an unearthly amount of laundry. I even took the sheets and blankets off my bed and took some perfectly clean clothes off of their hangers before heading to Interview #3. The logic is simple. Three job interviews in one day = three times the anxiety = a whole lot of extra laundering.
4. I did get hopelessly lost on the way to Interview #1. Good thing I left an hour early. (In case you were wondering, I often leave for interviews an hour early. I have found that driving while listening to Hoobastank loudly enough for the Chinese to hear helps me not vomit chunks of anxiety.)
5. I did fill in some of the stupid test questions with responses like: “The term does seem awfully familiar!” and “I do believe I have heard of Perl before.” Hopefully the interviewer just thinks Jonny has a funny girlfriend and not a crazy one. Crazy would be accurate, but we don’t want to make him look bad. Do we? Hmm. I do wonder.

That’s about it for today. I have a second interview tomorrow with Interview #1 people (actually, Interview #1 people and Interview #2 people are the same, just different positions). The test should be easier. It’s for an administrative assistant job and I’m all sorts of familiar with assistant-type job functions. I can fetch Mountain Dew from the cafeteria with the best of them!